Human (edited by Human):
Would you please construct a story in which two aliens, who are the Planetary Wardens of Earth, discuss current events on Earth as of February 14, 2025.
Planetary Wardens are low-level, poorly compensated, jaded bureaucrats who keep suboptimal planets from spewing their Life into Universal Civilization.
Please have the names of the two aliens be Ziz and Siz.
Please have the first line, which Ziz says to Siz, be the following words and sentiment: “Humanity must know everything is unique and nothing is unique at the same time in the same reality.”
AI (edited by Human):
Here’s a story draft for you:
Planetary Wardens: The Earthly Dilemma
“Humanity must know everything is unique and nothing is unique at the same time in the same reality,” Ziz mutters, flicking its gelatinous fingers over a holographic interface. The screen glows a dull blue, pulsing with the erratic rhythms of Earth’s latest crises.
Siz lets out a long, weary sigh. “That’s poetic, Ziz. Too poetic for this job. We’re glorified number munchers watching a planet whose most successful species still thinks planting a colorful cloth in the ground makes it theirs.”
Ziz’s three eyes twitch. “I’ll never understand.” It gestures towards the screen. “Conflicts, resource hoarding, artificial intelligence advancing faster than their morality, and they’re still debating whether their collective actions impact their planet’s environment. For the love of all that’s tasty, they’re so naive!”
Siz slumps further into its hovering chair, letting its exoskeletal limbs dangle. “Yeah, yeah. I read their writing.”
They speak aloud headlines using their most serious human voices, “‘Climate Disasters Escalating.’ ‘Geopolitical Tensions Rising.’ ‘Moaney-Hoarding Billionaires Cosplaying God.’ ‘Information Networks Becoming a Swamp of Half-Truths.’ Booooooooooooooooooooring! All Standard Suboptimal Planetary Actions.”
Ziz rubs its temple. “But they also have beauty and love! It’s exhausting watching them know the good stuff and, somehow, still fail so hard so often.”
Siz blows seven raspberries using its seven rainbow-colored snouts.
“As always, I can’t disagree.” Ziz admits, “But we’ve been assigned to this glimphole for how long now?”
“2 Zillion Universal Moments,” Siz groans.
Ziz makes a noise of agreement. “And in all that time, they haven’t overcome this nonsense. Some days, usually after I’ve had too many glooder-berries, I think they could actually join Universal Civilization. Other days, usually when I’m sober, I think we’ll have to quarantine their whole solar system soon.”
Siz lets out a dry laugh.
Rainbow clouds puff out of their twenty-two ears.
“Quarantine? Like they just did to themselves?”
Ziz snorts. “Exactly. And unless they do something quick, it’s gonna happen again soon, only remixed with AI overlords or nuclear fallout. Or maybe something worse we haven’t seen!” It pauses, flicking a tendril toward the screen. “Speaking of…”
Siz reluctantly glances over. A new alert blinks: EARTH: ESCALATION DETECTED. CONFLICT RISING.
“Oh brother,” Siz grumbles as they roll their seventy-six eyes.
Ziz tilts its head. “Want to bet how long before they say it’s ‘the most important moment in history?’”
Siz taps its chin thoughtfully. “Three days before the first one declares it’s ‘unprecedented.’”
Ziz chuckles. “I say two.”
The two aliens sit in silence, watching Earth’s chaos unfold, sipping nutrient slurries from their respective containers.
Siz pops seven glooder berries into its mouths.
Siz eventually sighs. “You know, sometimes I almost feel bad for them.”
Ziz glances over. “Why?”
Siz shrugs. “Because despite everything, some of them really try. They create art, they dream about the stars, they raise their young so thoughtfully, they jihad for peace, love, or understanding—even when it’s futile. There are so many of them who would be happier with and contribute so well to Universal Civilization.”
“That’s why we don’t pull the plug.”
Siz lets out a deep breath. “Not yet, anyway.”
The Planetary Wardens continue watching, waiting, and wondering whether Earth will just be another cautionary data point.
Modern Issue 