Prince of Twitington missing, Arabs found near scene held for questioning
(London) – A city and a nation mourned today as the premier symbol of British power and history, Buckingham Palace, burned to the ground in what authorities say is looking like arson of the grandest scale.
At 0421 GMT emergency services received a frantic call from Queen Elizamackerquack in regards to “immigrant looking men” who had set fire to the east wing of the palace. She could provide no further details other than that they had “an ill-tempered look about them.”
By the time first responders arrived, it was too late. The towering inferno had spread to all parts of the historic building and fire crews could do nothing but look on as it collapsed.
“It was awful. I don’t know how it spread so quickly, but there was nothing we could do,” said one of the firefighters at the site after the tragedy, “A piece of this country we’ll never get back went up with those flames.”
Based on descriptions of the suspects and a tip from an eye-witness, Scotland Yard quickly raided and arrested a dozen individuals eating at a Pakistani restaurant just down the road. Witnesses at the scene said the suspects were confused but cooperative and peacefully agreed to come in for questioning.
“I was standing just outside the Paki place when it was stormed. The diners looked baffled, but I think it was just a front,” recalls the tipster, James Lively, who alerted the authorities to the location of the suspects, “This country is going to hell and this is just the latest example, they hate everything about us.”
While the details of the case are scarce and closely guarded by the police, what is known is at some point around 0400, during a large and lively gathering of young socialites in the palace, a fire started in the east wing and quickly spread through antiquated furniture, plentiful flammable beverages, and genteel guests.
“I was admiring the tapestries in one of the guest bedrooms with a close friend when we heard shouts in the hallway. We’d taken off our shoes to relax on the carpet so it took us a moment to react, but when we opened the door we saw a giant ball of fire hurtling towards us down the hall,” remembers a disheveled and clearly shaken young Earl of Scovingtonwick, one of the night’s distinguished guests, “I didn’t see the scoundrels who did it personally, but I have it from an excellent source they had the swarthy complexions commonly found among the North African people.”
A royal family spokesman stated the family would be unavailable for comment until their affairs were in order and the insurance money settled.