The Pile – Chapter Twelve

I’m practically a member of the KKK, maybe not in philosophy, but the result! That’s what matters. The results! There’s no justification for this. Was it self-defense? Clearly not. No lawyer could claim self-defense. My “self” was barely involved, nor was it at risk. He was attacking Nico, so I was defending her. Was that chauvinistic of me? Did I assume she, as a woman, couldn’t handle herself? Maybe I owe her an apology for taking away her power. But…well I knew the attack wouldn’t do anything, so why did I react? And mine did something! So…well I guess that means I didn’t know that his wouldn’t do anything for sure now. I mean, I don’t think it would have, even though mine worked. I couldn’t just assume though, that’s not how civilization works or how we are programmed or…Oh god! I killed him! He was one of the most important thinkers in a generation! But…well how could he ever resort to violence as a method? Maybe he wasn’t resorting to violence, in fact, as violence doesn’t exist anymore. It was just a simulacram of violence. Wait…simulacram? Simulacrum? Am I even using it correctly? I said “simulacra/um of violence, which I think would mean a fake representation of violence, like just a show. Hmm, I will have to look it up. Wait, I have my phone and…oh…I probably shouldn’t check it right now. That would look horrible if I looked like I was mindlessly checking my phone after I just killed someone. I bet they would think I was some sort of psychopath. Oh…do they? I wonder what they’re thinking about me…I think my face needs to look properly consternated, or concerned, or…ahh what’s the word! I really want access to my thesaurus right now. I read somewhere that humans are becoming worse at retaining information because we know we have access to instant information. I can see both sides of that coin…Wait? Am I a psychopath for thinking about this stuff right after I killed someone?  I did resort to violence after all. I don’t think DeMasters was being violent because he couldn’t. He was just using a simula…like a pantomime of violence to express the extreme nature of the situation. I used actual violence. Yes, I didn’t know that it was actual violence at the time, but it’s the result! DeMasters made violent motions knowing violence didn’t exist and didn’t commit violence. I made violent motions knowing violence didn’t exist and committed violence. I think that’s pretty clear. How did I do it though? I was in the car near where Nico was standing, he came forward, and I reacted by pushing him. Why did I assume Nico couldn’t handle it? Is that my dominant class mentality showing? I was defending her; was it because she’s a person I love or was it because she’s a woman I believe belongs to me and another man was encroaching on my territory? I really have no idea. How could I answer that? I would have to repeat the situation with other people I care about of different gender backgrounds and maybe ethnic groups. Hmm…That would be an extremely difficult experiment to construct. A bias probably exists in too many of the variables I can’t control. Maybe ethnicity would skew the results? I would have to use all half-Japanese people. But I don’t know that many half-Japanese people and certainly none I care about as much as…What am I thinking about!? Am I thinking about this to distract myself from focusing on what I’ve done? I need to understand the full implications of my sins. So…okay. Think about only that right…now. The facts. I killed a man. The man I killed was Dr. Francis DeMasters. The act was accidental even though I did make a violent motion. It was not my intention to kill him, obviously. But…well why did I attack in the first place? I was responding to his advance, but I need to answer why I was reacting. I’ve never done anything violent in my entire life! I’m a pacifist! How in the world do I justify those ideals now? Well, I need to accept there is no justification at all for this, except maybe…No! Stop! There is no justification. Okay, yes. It is not intention that matters, it’s the result. Maybe intention can mitigate though? The fact is the man died after I pushed him. He would not be dead if I had not done that. Wait a second, if we’re looking at causation, isn’t it true I wouldn’t have pushed him if he hadn’t advanced violently? Maybe, but that’s a pretty weak defense. You wouldn’t have pushed him if you hadn’t ever met him, or if Nico had ordered food that day in the LLS, or if the United States had lost the Revolutionary War. What if me killing DeMasters is a singular event that occurs in every possible universe? Well that’s just stupid, that would imply some plan or inevitability. That’s true…but it’s fun to think about! Like if there were certain events that…You son of a bitch! You’re doing it again. You just killed a human being and you’re daydreaming about how special you could be in a reality where there was a plan involving your pathetically meaningless life. This is how religious people think! They justify the unjustifiable with magical stories and obtuse moral lessons involving ancient agrarian civilizations in the Middle East. Look, you killed a human being, and not just any human being, one of the most important people alive. But that’s a good question, is my crime worse because Dr. DeMasters was an important person? If we start increasing the value of certain humans, doesn’t it decrease the value of an average person’s life? No, that’s just obfusticating the issue. It’s “obfuscating” not “obfusticating”. Wait…no it isn’t. I’ve heard people say obfustication. I swear I have. You’re an idiot, it’s obfuscating. Oh…oh yeah I remember now. I remember writing it and seeing my spell check underlining it in red with no spelling suggestions and being confused and upon looking it up feeling pretty dumb when I saw the result. Well that’s because you are. You learned and forgot and then fought for your ignorance. You’re an idiot. Anyways, you’re obfuscating the issue and philosophy. Feel morally justified and score all the points you want in your mental masturbation exercise, but in reality if there is some sort of attack and the government is scrambling, they will place the executive leadership and senior officials in secure locations. They aren’t going to run around collecting all the random people they can. That’s not a good use of their time. Alternatively, if we ever have to abandon Earth or something and had a spaceship that could only fit 1,000 people, would you really want the first 1,000 schmucks who showed up or wouldn’t you rather think it’s important to carefully select genetically superior humans to carry on the species? Okay…fine. Sure in those crisis situations sacrifices to practicality must be made, but I think you’re the one obfuscating the point now. I killed a human being, and that is important in absolute terms, not based on who the person is. The repercussions of killing one person might be different from the repercussions for killing another, but the act itself is inherently egalitarian.  When you kill a person…You realize you are creating this dialogue to separate yourself from the reality of the event, don’t you? Well of course, but I killed a person and it’s taking me a moment to process. Oh, well excuse me. What a poor, unfortunate murderer I am. I just committed an unjustifiable crime and I’m begging for pity and “time to process.” That’s fairly pathetic. I’m disgusting. I’m a beast; I’m everything I’ve always despised. I spout off pacifist platitudes and announce that “violence is never justified,” and then I go and commit a violent act in a world where violence no longer even exists! When push comes to shove I’m…Jesus, did I just make a play-on-words about a murder I just perpetrated? God, I’m such a horrible person. However, and here’s the truth of it, I really wish I believed I was even a slightly bad person. By punishing myself through this verbal assault I’m setting myself up for redemption after paying this supposedly heavy mental toll for my crime. If I insult myself enough, passionately enough, justice will’ve been served, even though I don’t believe for one second that I really believe any of the horrible things I’m saying. What did Jung say? Guilt is a poor substitute for real suffering? I feel worse for knowing I don’t believe it, but better when I know I feel worse, but then worse for feeling better for feeling worse. So then all my focus goes to this cycle and I never really feel bad about anything. I’m a lunatic who knows he’s insane but doesn’t actually quite believe it could be true. How do I break out of that cycle? Suicide? How about suicide? Hmm, well the problem is I don’t believe that retribution is an adequate form of justice. A society built on a system of revenge and the idea that if citizen X commits act Y then receives punishment Z…I don’t think that’s a healthy system. Once a crime is committed, how does perpetuating further violence on more human beings serve the civilization’s needs? Of course there needs to be disincentives to committing crimes, but there are diminishing returns on numbers of years served. Instead, I think a system of justice where rehabilitation, restoration, and forgiveness work with the idea that a society benefits more with fewer incarcerated citizens should be the order of the day. And…If I committed suicide it couldn’t just be a petty, personal moment. There are thousands of methods to sacrifice your life in a meaningful way. Ahh well, actually I guess there used to be, but not so much anymore without violence or death as viable options. Damn, martyrdom was always my fallback. But could I kill myself now? If I can use violence, does that mean others can use violence as well? I don’t remember experiencing any amount of discomfort as I pushed DeMasters, but as I’ve never pushed anyone before I’m unaware what the proper level of discomfort should be during the act of pushing a man to his death. If, and this is all just hypothetical musings in the backseat and I shouldn’t take any of these thoughts seriously until I have more information, but if I’m the only person who can use violence and, just for fun right now I’m going to think about this idea, if I’m the only one, well that would mean I, myself, me, I personally have a monopoly on violence. To some that’s the very definition of power. Who said that? I don’t remember right now, I really wish I could look things up without looking like a psychopath to everyone else right now. But I think it’s sort of a shame we don’t retain information anymore. I mean, I understand the benefits as well, but in situations like this when looking at your phone after you’ve killed someone would make you look like a psychopath to your friends, the ability would really help. I’ll just have to get over it and try to remember all the things I need to look up. But if I have a monopoly on violence, and of course this is just for my brain only, no one should know I ever had this thought, but, if I have a monopoly on violence I would be a veritable one-man army. I could go about setting the world to rights! Sometimes people just don’t understand anything other than violence! It’s sad but true, and as much as I wanted to deny that fact in my pacifism I think I just have to face facts. Now, it’s totally unjustifiable what I accidentally did to Dr. DeMasters, completely and totally unjustifiable. But let’s say violence is back…maybe he would have killed Nico? No one knows! I don’t know! And in that scenario if the only possible thing for me to do was to push him like that to stop him, I think I might do it again. Of course the intention was not there to kill him. In pushing him my brain, not once, never a single time said, “Oh, I think I will kill this man now.” So I can’t really, actually be a murderer. It was just an accident, an unjustifiable accident that will surely haunt me forever. But let’s say violence did exist and I let Nico die. Well that would have haunted me forever as well if I’d done nothing. So really, I was placed in a situation where I had a choice between two hauntings and I chose the one where I…okay I didn’t know so I didn’t choose but my actions happened to cause the  death of a person. And, I mean really DeMasters was not in his prime anymore, right? If we are looking at absolute values of individuals where we take into consideration contributions to society, well I would say Nico has way more potential to contribute given her stance on issues in the world right now. DeMasters had given up. And didn’t everyone already think he was dead? So…I mean it’s totally unjustifiable and I really am a horrible person for doing it, but maybe it wasn’t as bad as I first thought. Well, I mean it’s really bad. Like completely unjustifiable and the worst thing I could do. But not like the worst, worst thing I could do because there are maybe worse things I could do, like if I were to hurt society as a whole. Dr. DeMasters had kind of given up, so his contributions and legacy were basically over. Not that that makes it even a tiny bit okay or justifiable. But in a way he was kind of dead already. And now, if through his death I realize I can help the world, if I know I can use violence and set the world to rights, well maybe I can work hard to do everything I can to make up for this terrible accident. The rest of my life would be lived as a tribute to Dr. DeMasters. Everything from this point, especially if I have a monopoly on violence, will be done in his memory. This will be a type of catalyst for the change he always wanted to see in the world but never had the power to enact. It’s just that…I will have to be very careful. Once I walk down the lonely and treacherous road of absolute power I can never turn back. It is a real commitment and sacrifices would be needed, but I definitely know I’m up for the challenge! Not that I’m arrogant, though maybe I am a little, which I don’t mind and even kind of like about myself, but I’m probably the most qualified person in all of humanity to rule the world. I mean, I know that’s a horribly disgusting, megalomaniacal thing to say, but thinking that it’s a horribly disgusting, megalomaniacal thing to say is one of my best qualities! I should try to be honest with myself and admit I really think that, however. No more lies and faux-humility. I know my strengths and I know I’m too neurotic and self-reflective to ever get swept away by willy-nilly decisions and rash judgments in what would be my very mild brand of authoritarianism. It’s more intolerable to pretend I don’t want to lead the world. If I go into this venture, not that it’s going to happen, just role-playing the whole thing really, it’s just a silly and fun thing to think about when I don’t have all the facts, but if I go into this venture with clear goals and a specifically defined path to peace, harmony, and equality, why should I feel guilty for wanting to be in charge of humanity’s direction? But, just hold on before you get too high and mighty in your imagination. Isn’t that how a megalomaniac would justify their desire for glory and power? Yes! It absolutely is. But a real megalomaniac would never be self-aware enough to have this reflective line of thinking. So, I, unlike authoritarian regimes before me, have that built-in layer of neurotic protection that will serve me well if this whole scenario comes to pass. And another thing, we’d already decided we should be in charge? Right? So Asher should have no problem, none of them should have any problem with this. We had a plan to take power and we all agreed to it! This will just…expedite the process. I’m sure the group will be pleased. Even if there is no redemption from this regrettable accident I was involved in, I could at least use the knowledge I gained from the event to make the world better. In fact, if I collapsed under the weight of my responsibility to humanity at this moment, if my sin prevents me from moving forward and helping humanity as much as possible, I’d be left with a larger net negative than if I were to soldier on and try to fix things. This moment should act, as I said previously, as a catalyst, spurring me to action at the risk of personal damnation. I must admit I committed an unforgivable horror, however if I could, through a lifetime of work, somehow reduce the sum total of horrors generally inflicted on humanity, perhaps I could consider my life worthwhile.  No…but wait…no no no! I can’t…I can’t commit any more violence…No! How did I let myself walk that road in my mind!? I’m losing control and this is how dictators are born! It’s all just a contrived justification to abandon who I am and what I believe. And…I’m…I’m a pacifist! I’m a pacifist! I’m a pacifist…


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