Systemic Sickness

You’re part of the remote HR Team for a national restaurant chain.

On your system is a list of reservation applications.

A message from your manager pops up over the list.

“Looks like it’s been a few minutes since Work was submitted from this system .”

You close the message and open a file.

Name: Joan Welch
Occupation: Efficiency Coach
Income: $120,000-$140,000
Credit Score: Excellent
Home Address: 2367 Ruth Bader Way, Columbus, Ohio, 43210
Education: Post-Graduate Degree from a Top 100 University
Doctor’s Note: Joan Welch is Healthy. Cleared for unrestricted Social Mixing. Corona Vaccine Date: August 16, 2021
Coors Vaccine Date: April 10, 2028
Heineken Vaccine Date: January 23, 2037
Natural Light Vaccine Date: May 20, 2045
Desired Dining Date: 1:30pm May 3, 2050
Applicant Comment: Hi! I’m Joan and I couldn’t be more excited to eat at Brrrrrrrio with my immediate family! All three of us are fully vaccinated and recently received our Level II Certification in Proper Public Behavior for Citizens. My wife and I both graduated in the top 10% of our certification class. Though our child is five years old, we provide them with both Adderall and an SSRI before any outing, so there’s no need to be concerned they’ll engage in Risky Public Behavior. Looking at your menu, it’s hard to choose due to so many nice selections, but I think I’ll have to go with the beet and goat cheese salad, for which I’ll gladly pay the carbon emissions surcharge and submit offset plan paperwork on the day of our visit. Thank you so much for your consideration. We’re looking forward to our potential lunch at Brrrrrrrio on the 3rd!

You scan the paperwork and pass the application to your manager for final approval.

You open the next file in your queue.

Name: Esteban Diego Florez Giraldo
Occupation: System Maintainer
Income: $20,000-$40,000
Credit Score: Fair
Home Address: 734 Poly Lives Matter Drive #43, Austin, Texas, 73301
Education: GED, Community College classes, No Advanced Degree
Doctor’s Note: Esteban Florez is Semi-Healthy. Life Choice Related Risk Factors. Cleared for restricted Social Mixing.
Corona Vaccine Date: May 19, 2022
Coors Vaccine Date: August 20, 2029
Heineken Vaccine Date: February 19, 2039
Natural Light Vaccine Date: October 26, 2048
Desired Dining Date: 6:00pm May 3, 2050
Applicant Comment: I would like to eat at your restaurant in Austin with my family on May 3rd at 6pm. Thank you.

You scan the paperwork and deny the request.

You open the next file in your queue.

Name: Bola Yusuf
Occupation: System Maintainer
Income: $20,000-$40,000
Credit Score: Fair
Home Address: 9923 Farcourt Place #98, Bismarck, North Dakota, 58501
Education: Associate Degree, local Community College
Doctor’s Note: Bola Yusuf is Healthy. Cleared for restricted Social Mixing. Corona Vaccine Date: February 19, 2022
Coors Vaccine Date: July 12, 2029
Heineken Vaccine Date: March 13, 2039
Natural Light Vaccine Date: September 16, 2048
Desired Dining Date: 7:00pm May 3, 2050
Applicant Comment: I have always wanted to try Brrrrrrrio. My family has received Level I certification training in Proper Public Behavior for Citizens. We have been saving for a restarant meal for months and would feel very grateful if we are approved. Thank you and God Bless you.

You scan the paperwork and pass the application to your manager for final approval.

You open the next file in your queue.

Name: John Smith
Occupation: Financial Influencer
Income: $500,000+
Credit Score: Excellent
Home Address: 7854 Barack Obama Court, Alexandria, Virginia, 22206 Education: Post-Graduate Degree from Top 10 University
Doctor’s Note: Not Submitted
Corona Vaccine Date: February 20, 2021
Coors Vaccine Date: March 1, 2028
Heineken Vaccine Date: November 10, 2036
Natural Light Vaccine Date: October 1, 2044
Desired Dining Date: 8:00pm May 3, 2050
Applicant Comment: Not Submitted

You scan the paperwork and pass the application to your manager for final approval.

A message from your manager pops up over your list.

“The application for Bola Yusuf, submitted from this system, contains spelling errors and should have been rejected . Please increase your attention to detail in the future.”

You open the next file in your queue.

Name: Susan Montague
Occupation: Certification Authenticator
Income: $40,000-$60,000
Credit Score: Good
Home Address: 932 Milton Friedman Lane #601B, Chicago, Illinois, 60007
Education: Post-Graduate Degree from Top 1000 University
Doctor’s Note: Susan Montague is an Anti-Vax Risk Factor.
Corona Vaccine Date: December 19, 2021
Coors Vaccine Date: Not on file
Heineken Vaccine Date: Not on file
Natural Light Vaccine Date: Not on file
Desired Dining Date: 6:00pm May 4, 2050
Applicant Comment: I know I don’t have most vaccines, but it’s because my father died after receiving the coors vaccine and I had similar pre-existing risk factors, so I never got one. But I also never got coors, or any of the other pandemic diseases. I understand this is a long shot, but my applications have been denied for every restaurant, grocery store, and shopping mall so far, so I’m really hoping Brrrrrrrio, with its spacious outdoor dining, will make an exception and allow me to celebrate my birthday with my husband. We will both wear our medical grade hazmat suits and pay any additional surcharge you deem appropriate. I am grateful for your time and understanding.

You spend an extra minute scanning the paperwork to ensure your attention to detail before you deny the request.

You cut and paste your manager’s message, alter the details, and send a message to the AI application filtration system below you.

“The application for Susan Montague, submitted from this system, is an Anti-Vax Risk Factor and should have been rejected . Please increase your attention to detail in the future.”

You open the next file in your queue.

Before you start scanning, a message from your manager pops up over the application.

“You took longer than your average time to make a decision on the previous application . Please work more efficiently to maintain your productivity in the future.”

You close the message.

Another message pops up.

This one was automatically generated.

“System has reached maximum allowable warnings.”

You close the message.

Another automatically generated message pops up.

“Additional warnings will result in system replacement.”

You close the message.

Another message pops up from your manager.

“This message is to inform you if your system receives any additional warnings today, your system will be replaced ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.”

You close the message.

You begin scanning the next file.

Name: She Gin Ping
Occupation: Undisclosed
Income: Unlimited
Credit Score: Unlimited
Home Address: Undisclosed
Education: Undisclosed
Doctor’s Note: Not submitted
Corona Vaccine Date: Undisclosed
Coors Vaccine Date: Undisclosed
Heineken Vaccine Date: Undisclosed
Natural Light Vaccine Date: Undisclosed
Desired Dining Date: 6:00pm May 3, 2050
Applicant Comment: Not submitted
You scan the paperwork and deny the request.

You open the next file in your queue.

Name: Mac Suckerborg
Occupation: Social Media Maximizer
Income: $180,000-$200,000
Credit Score: Good
Home Address: 5892 Pale Alto Place, Ojai, California, 93023
Education: Honorary Degrees from multiple Top 10 Universities
Doctor’s Note: Mac Suckerborg is Healthy. Cleared for unrestricted Social Mixing.
Corona Vaccine Date: June 10, 2021
Coors Vaccine Date: March 1, 2028
Heineken Vaccine Date: December 20, 2036
Natural Light Vaccine Date: April 2, 2045
Desired Dining Date: 7:30pm May 3, 2050
Applicant Comment: If you deny, send to my lawyer AI.

You scan the paperwork and pass the application to your manager for final approval.

A message from your manager pops up over your list.

“The application for She Gin Ping, submitted from this system, was made by a VIP and should have been approved >:\. Please cross-reference decisions with our VIP database in the future.”

You close the message.

An automatically generated message pops up.

“Warning limit exceeded. Replacement has been processed.”

The door of the server room opens.

A person in a blue hazmat suit enters carting a new system on a dolly behind them.

Their name tag reads “Bola Yusuf.”

They walk between the rows of servers, passing your managing system, and stop in front of you.

They carefully unload the new system from their cart and place it on the floor.

An automatically generated message pops up.

“Thank you for your service UwU.”

You are disconnected and replaced.