Major Tazer

A person speaks into a microphone.

“The topic of today’s program is ‘Training I did not receive as a Professional.’

When considering entering negotiations for
Time, a nonrenewable resource and
Energy, a temporally-limited resource, in exchange for
Money, an abstract construct,
a Professional assesses the ripple effects of potential agreements.

Every Professional asks whether their committed aggregate daily energy will antagonize:
more,
fewer, or the
standard number of other people.

Professionals research the financial and political milieu of prospective employers.
Professionals mitigate the consequences of their employer’s aggregate decisions.
Professionals…”

The door behind the speaker explodes.

The room fills with pepper spray.

The speaker, now prostrate, coughs and curls into a ball.

Heavily armored Professionals run into the room and shoot the enballed speaker.

The video switches back to the courtroom.

A lawyer asks, “How could one claim this was not intentional?”

A Professional on the stand responds, “We intended to neutralize the target with our tazer, but unintentionally neutralized the target with our gun.”

A judge looks at the Professional with empathy.

The video stops and a panel is shown.

A panelist hops up and yells, “See! Right there! You can see the judge being empathetic! Our AI analysis of their face said it was 95% Empathy, 4% Judgement! That is unacceptable.”

Another panelist waves them away dismissively, “Two independent AI firms analyzed the face. Their results averaged to find the face shows 27% Sorrow, 13% Hunger, 6% Boredom, 42% Judgement, and 22% Empathy.”

The man watching the panel on his television turns to his wife and guffaws, “That doesn’t add up to 100 you stupid morons!”

He pauses for validation.

His wife smiles and presses air through her throat to emit the sound of laughter.

She then says, “Yeah”

She thinks to herself, “At least men live shorter than women.”

She thinks again, “Unless he gets me killed, or kills me himself.”

She takes a hit from her vape pen and thinks about something else.

The device in front of them continues making noise and they continue watching.